Security Guards

While The Red Knight is a civilian vessel of the JMC, it retains a small troop of armed and armoured guards that patrol the sensitive areas of the ship, suppress riots, and provide shipboard defence against any antagonistic intruders.

They are regarded as the elite of the JMC Security Branch, having undergone extensive training to qualify them as the only people allowed to carry - and use - firearms on a space-going vessel.

Dressed in black armour over a dark blue jumpsuit, the guards are the heavy duty arm of the security branch, supplementing the more numerous - and unarmed - "red shirts" that act as a police force for the city-sized spaceship.

Sleeping Quarters

With a crew complement of 1,169, The Red Knight needs a lot of sleeping accommodation.

While senior officers are entitled to individual rooms, the rest of the crew are all in shared, double-bunk, quarters.

Voice-activated toilet

Unsurprisingly, the lower down the pecking order a crewman is the more basic his sleeping quarters.

The lowest of the low - such as the crew that maintain Sector 7B - get the basic "ocean grey" colour scheme, a computer terminal, table and chairs, a sink, storage lockers, and a voice-activated toilet, hidden in the wall that pivots out when required.

Note: The inflatable banana does not come as a standard fitting.

The JMC Marketing Department felt the addition of an inflatable banana to their publicity shots would make the quarters feel more "appealing" and distract from the soul-crushing industrial greyness of an area where people would spend a lot of their off-duty time.

Did it work?

Captain Lister inspects the crew quarters

Officers' quarters tend to be brighter coloured (cream or red, generally) with more room and better facilities (personal showers, food dispensers etc).

It is a JMC practice to house most crew in double rooms, so that crewmen aren't left on their own for long periods of time in the depths of space.

The general feeling is that it is better to have someone to talk to, even if you don't get on with them, than staring into the abyss on your own for weeks on end.

Officers' quarters

Officers have more spare dollarpounds for 'souvenirs' and reminders from home to clutter up their rooms

Some officers go to great lengths to "customise" their sleeping quarters

Talkie Toaster

"Can I just ask one question... would anyone like any toast?"

Manufactured by Taiwan-based Crapola Inc, the best-selling Talkie Toaster is novelty kitchen appliance said to be able to sense the mood of its owner and engage in breakfast conversation appropriately.

However, this isn't exactly true.

While it starts with polite suggestions, regardless of which model or design you own, if you don't want toast right this minute, it launches into a tirade of demands, hysterical sobbing, guilt trips, extortion, and even verbal abuse.

Ultimately, despite containing a quite powerful A.I., it is totally single-minded and tries to steer every conversation to the subject of toast.

As a cost-cutting exercise, Talkie Toasters are not fitted with a Silicon Heaven belief chip, and therefore have no concept of an afterlife, or even right and wrong.

Following a deal with actress Myra Binglebat (of Casablanca fame), an "extras pack" was made available after the 2145 release of her most famous movie, that allows talking appliances, such as Talkie Toasters, to adopt Binglebat's voice and personality.

Eve ' Manic Miner' Castigan

Eve Castigan - also known as The Manic Miner - was The Red Knight's boxing champion from 2197 onwards.

An amateur boxer since childhood, Eve is a good-natured soul with a strict code of honour, who likes to resolve her conflicts with her fists.

She left home in Ireland to head to the stars, joining the crew of The Red Knight in late 2196 as part of its mining crew.

Attracted by the idea of becoming the ship's champion boxer, she turned a lifetime of training into a mission and battled her way to the top in short order, taking down any man or woman who stood in her path.

Now, whenever The Red Knight is docked, she will willingly fight for the honour of the ship against all-comers from other ships - either in professional, organised, bouts or in backstreet bars... or somewhere in between.

Admittedly, not the sharpest tool in the box, the six foot tall, muscle-bound, Eve can be a mite gullible at times, her head easily turned by a flirtatious smile from a handsome fellow or a pretty lass.

She may not be the strongest person on board The Red Knight, but she is certainly the most skilled pugilist. This, and her honesty and sense of fair play, means she is generally regarded as the arbiter of shipboard disputes on the lower decks.

Defending the reputation of The Red Knight in a scrapyard brawl on Mimas

Casablanca (2145)

"Of all the space bars in all the worlds, you had to re-materialise in mine!"

Generally regarded as the definitive version of this classic tale, the remake of Casablanca (starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley) released in 2145 was another fixture in the movie rotation at The Red Knight's cinema.

A Crapola Picture Production, Casablanca was a pioneering movie in its use of a combined human, mechanoid, and waxdroid cast.

Unfortunately, also being a Crapola Pictures Production, Binglebat's name was misspelled on all the posters for the movie!

As recompense, she was granted a percentage of the profits from an "Extras Pack", sold by Crapola Inc, that allowed talking appliances, such as Talkie Toasters and Talkie Toilets, to adopt Binglebat's voice and personality.

The waxdroid of Peter Beardsley was based on the late 20th Century no-gee footballer who, primarily, played for Newcastle United, Liverpool and Everton, before turning to management.Unfortunately his coaching career ended in disgrace and it's believed that it was around this time he sold his likeness rights to a company that would eventually begin the manufacture of waxdroids.

It's unclear what Crapola Pictures saw in the Beardsley waxdroid that made him perfect for the lead role in Casablanca, but they never used him again, instead shunting him away to some off-world amusement park to live out his days in anonymity.

Ouroboros Batteries

Xpress Lifts

As opposed to the standard JMC Elevators (for travelling short distances between levels of Red Knight), the Xpress Lifts are designed specifically for long journeys up and down the massive starship.

Labelled in both English and Esperanto, an Xpress Lift is the size of a room, and comes complete with several comfortable chairs, a water cooler, a fully stocked magazine rack, and a food vending machine.

In-lift video entertainment is available, or travellers can simply enjoy the piped muzak.

The automated hostess will direct users to the Black Box emergency pack, in case anything goes wrong, which includes facilities for recording last will and testament, as well as a supply of cyanide pills.

The standard JMC Elevators (or lifts) come in all shapes and sizes, and have their own basic A.I. operating system.

The final public transport system on The Red Knight is the metro (or shuttle train), a rapid transit-style type of transportation even faster than the Xpress Lifts.

There are several routes spanning the length and breadth of The Red Knight, wrapping inside and outside the craft, each one names after a London Underground route.

Crewmen, even the captain, are required to pay a fare to use the metro.

Shuttle Train

Vid Of The Month Club

Streets Of Laredo

Streets of Laredo was a hugely popular Western-inspired artificial reality game created by Interstella Action Games, for up to three players.

Characters available were:

• Dangerous Dan McGrew, barefist fighter extraordinaire;
• Brett Riverboat, knifeman; and 
• The Riviera Kid, an ace gunslinger with a flamboyant costume.

The basic graphics on the log-in page, and character selection, belie the ultra-realistic world of Interstella Action Games's premier AR game.

However, unlike the banned - and highly addictive - Better Than Life, the players of Streets of Laredo are always conscious of the fact that they are in a simulation.

Participants can also elect to play the game in black and white, for a real vintage feel.

Other A.R. games popular with the crew of The Red Knight include: Wimbledon, Gumshoe, Cyber Park, Cyber School, Camelot, Jousting, Zero-Gee Kick Boxing, World War II, and Jane Austen World.

There was a rumour on the lower-levels that somebody had access to a pirate copy of Jane Austin World, featuring scenarios like Edda, Winchester Park, A Field of Broken Dreams, Fence and Fencibility, and Pride and Precipice.

Although developed by Total Immersion Inc (and distributed by Crapola Inc) like the other games, this was never supposed to be released to the public, as it was developed by a rogue programmer with the aim of "sexing up the works of Jane Austen, with more violence, nudity, and monsters".

From The Magazine Rack: The Castigator

Nothing keeps you up-to-date better than a 3,000,000-year-old newspaper.

One of Earth's more high-brow publications, The Castigator - popular among the ship's officers - is one of many newspapers available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.

Unfortunately the digital issues stopped updating as soon as The Red Knight left Earth's sub-space comms range.

Mimas & Ganymede

Popular 23rd Century form of public transport... that was actually very uncomfortable

From The Magazine Rack: Zord

Just one of many magazines available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.

Language

By the late 22nd Century, when The Red Knight set off on its fateful voyage, the English language had evolved from what we use today (in the early 21st Century), particularly in the area of cursing.

Most offensive terms that were common in the 21st Century have now been replaced by variations of the word "smeg", such as "smegging", "smegger", "smeg-head", "smeg-for-brains" "smegwit", "smegwad" etc.

Smeg has become a universal expletive for everyday use.

Sometimes, however, terms such as "gimboid" and "goit" seem more appropriate to the situation (both being derivations of a term for a "stupid person" or "male genitalia").

Also, much to the amazement of many people (particularly the descendants of 19th Century Polish ophthalmologist Ludwik Lejzer Zamenhof), the constructed international auxiliary language of Esperanto has made a comeback.

This is thanks to its adoption as the semi-official language of the Space Corps, which its officers are expected (but not required) to learn.

Most of the Jupiter Mining Corporation mining ship Red Knight (La Ruĝa Kavaliro) is labelled in both English and Esperanto, for example Levels (the correct JMC jargon for the ship's decks) are also labelled as "Nivelos"; the Xpress Lifts are also labelled as "Kspress Liftoj"; the Botanical gardens are also called "Botaniko ĝardenoj"; and the Observation Dome is also labelled "Observad Kupola".

This also means William Shatner's 1965 horror movie Incubus (the first to filmed completely in Esperanto) gets frequent airings in The Red Knight's main cinema, as per JMC statutes.

From The Magazine Rack: Up Up & Away

This free 120-page publication can be found tucked in the magazine rack of any JMC space shuttle.

Stasis Booths

Originally developed for extrasolar travel, the stasis booth (or "pod") allows its incumbent to survive journeys of extreme lengths without ageing a day.

"The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field. So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero."

- Lt. Cmdr Frank Todhunter, JMC

The concept of "stasis" was originally devised for interstellar travel for astros in search of extraterrestrial life, based on work done by Albert Einstein.

Einstein gave up on the theory after having an affair with Marilyn Monroe and spent the rest of his life having cold showers.

After those initial interstellar expeditions failed to find anything, human interest in space exploration waned.

Also, due to the use of the stasis field, many astros were now younger than their decedents, which made billions for the greeting cards industry.

Although the presence of a stasis booth on The Red Knight could now be regarded as rather archaic, it is a requirement under JMC guidelines as it can be used as a punishment for certain shipboard crimes where a miscreant is locked away for the duration, forfeiting his pay for that period.

Crewmen are also able to "rent" time in the pod, where they can spend an evening or so "not ageing".

It's also a good place to avoid ship-wide disasters.

NB. Captain Lister has his own, personal, booth in his cabin - which he uses to preserve food and drink.

From The Magazine Rack: Creative Evolution

Just one of many magazines available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.

Meet Your (Late) Captain

Prior to "the accident", the Captain's Office (adjacent to the Drive Room, on Level 147), was occupied by Captain David Lister.

A former technician on The Red Dwarf, he saved that ship and its crew through his discovery of a faulty drive plate, thus preventing a catastrophic Cadmium II radiation leak.

That brought the life-long London Jets fan to the attention of the JMC top brass and quicker than you can say "up the ziggurat lickedy-split", he was on a fast track to becoming captain.

Captain Lister

After several jags on The Red Dwarf, and now married to a exotic dancer, Crystal (who danced on table nine at The Multiverse strip club on Venus), he was offered the captaincy of the JMC's flagship miner: The Red Knight.

As part of his deal with JMC for saving The Red Dwarf, the mustachioed, cigar-smoking Lister refused the cash settlement he was offered and instead negotiated for shares.

No one could have foreseen that the Dwarf would soon stumble upon a planet rich in Helium-7*, making Lister a fortune.

After returning the Dwarf to Earth one final time, Lister took over the reins of The Red Knight for what would turn out to be a life-changing voyage for most of its crew (i.e. changing them from alive to dead!).

One aspect of his time on Red Dwarf that Captain Lister had transferred with him to the Red Knight was a personal stasis booth in his office, which he used to store food and drink, ensuring it was always fresh.

* Helium-7 is an extremely rare - and thus valuable - natural resource, highly prized by the Jupiter Mining Corporation. However, it was also highly combustible.

From The Magazine Rack: Dorgon Magazine

Just one of many magazines available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.

Skutters

Skutters are service and maintenance robots that stand at around 2 feet (61 cm) tall, appearing as motorized boxes with a single limb each, ending in a three-clawed hand with an electronic eye.

They perform menial tasks around the ship, such as sweeping the cinema floors after a movie, or painting the corridor walls.

Skutters are incapable of speech (beyond making bleeping noises), but can usually make their feelings clear.

Their hands are particularly well designed for giving "flipping the bird" gestures with one or two digits.

Operating with a basic semi-autonomous A.I., they understand voice commands, and are able to articulate more complex statements by writing them out with a pencil and paper, play some musical instruments (e.g. keyboards), engage in simple games (such as draughts, or cowboys-and-indians) etc

Their behaviour is rather more human-like than might be expected for such crudely designed robots; they enjoy watching films, are highly emotional and occasionally appear to be somewhat unstable and prone to malfunction, presumably as a result of three million years of continuous operation.

It is unknown exactly how many functional skutters remain on The Red Knight as pairs of skutters (a "male" and a "female") are capable, in extremis, of creating small replicas (baby skutters) of themselves from salvaged tech around the ship.

Under the guidance of the ship's A.I., the skutters - along with garbage droids - were responsible for The Red Knight's maintenance during its 3,000,000 year voyage away from Earth.

Unlike many other mechanicals, skutters are not fitted with a chip to make them believe in Silicon Heaven; this was to save money during production.

Due to this they find the concept comical, and only something stupid mechanoids believe in.

From The Magazine Rack: Horn

Just one of many magazines available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.

Last Movie Screened Before The Accident

Vintage French art house film, Hans Backovic's La Fin Absolue Du Monde, was the last movie shown in the Red Knight's main 200-seat cinema before "the accident" (c. 3,000,000 years ago).

It quite possibly played to an empty house as "vintage French art house films" didn't usually go down well with a crew of space miners and astros.

Luckily, the only print of the movie now seems to have disappeared.

However, examples of more popular movies shown in the weeks before and still in the ship's archives (therefore available in personal cabins via RedNet) can be found here.

From The Magazine Rack: Kill Weekly

Just one of many magazines available for download to the crew's personal display units, for a small deduction from their company credit.